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The NBA's 'other' postseason awards

The NBA's 'other' postseason awards

The NBA's 'other' postseason awards

Tight Collar Award — To Vince Carter, for choking throughout the Nets-Cleveland series, especially in clutch situations.

Miss Manners Etiquette Award — To Jason Kidd, for being the only player in the NBA who always thanks the bench attendants for handing him a towel when he comes out of a game and takes a seat.

Groucho Marx Hello-I-Must-Be-Going Award — To Billy Donovan, for his sudden realization that hardened NBA veterans would not say "Yes, sir" when he ordered them to run a dozen extra suicides.
# Runners-up: Kobe Bryant and Jeff Van Gundy.

Coulda-Shoulda-Woulda Award — To the multitude of Phoenix Suns' partisans, who still believe that David Stern's unjust ruling to suspend Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw was the only reason the Spurs won the series.

First of all, while Robert Horry's body-check was unnecessary, its severity was considerably enhanced by Steve Nash's arm-flapping-foot-flailing antics. In truth, the impact was nowhere near as dramatic nor as damaging as Nash's histrionics made it appear to be.

Secondly, all of the blame goes to Stoudemire and Diaw for violating rules and procedures with which they were totally familiar. Besides, even with Stoudemire in the lineup the Spurs beat the Suns 3-2, and Phoenix was much more competitive in the game Stoudemire missed than in the team's other losses.

Exit Whining Award — Goes to Jerry West, for complaining that the Memphis Grizzlies, who had the league's worst regular season record, failed to get either of the first two draft picks. West is advised to look at the final regular-season standings in the 2005-06 season, wherein the Blazers had the NBA's worst record, were ping-ponged into the fourth slot, and still managed to wind up with Rookie of the Year Brandon Roy.

Cry-Me-A-River Award — Andrei Kirilenko, for crying in front of his teammates because he felt that he hadn't received enough playing time in Utah's first playoff game versus the Rockets.

Dont-Fix-It-If-It-Ain't-Broken Award — Presented to Avery Johnson, for starting Dirk Nowitzki at center in the opening game of the Dallas-Golden State series. By so doing, Johnson sent the following message to his players: "What we've been doing all season long isn't good enough to beat the Warriors."

Before a shot was fired, Johnson forced his players to doubt his credibility as well as their own collective self-esteem.

This misbegotten move wasn't the primary reason the Mavs lost the series, but it surely didn't help.

Mister Lucky Award — To Don Nelson, for repeatedly crediting "good luck" as the only reason why Golden State was able to beat Dallas. Nellie's not-so-subliminal message was this: "What a genius I am!"

Zen Koan Award — To Baron Davis, for making too much noise with two hands clapping.

Melvin Koznowski What-Me-Worry Award — Two winners on this one:

Vince Carter, for actually claiming after his pitiful performance against Cleveland that "Every shot I take is a good one."

Anderson Varejao, for stating that the foolish, embarrassing brick that he launched in the closing seconds of Game 3 of the Finals was also a good shot.

What's Foul Is Fair Award — Presented to Jim Clark, Bernie Fryer and Mark Wunderlich, for not exhaling through their whistles at the conclusion of Game 2 of the Cavs-Pistons series as LeBron James plowed through a welter of unfriendly limbs to shoot (and miss) a layup that might have won the game.

For sure there was contact on the play, the kind of contact that would constitute a foul in an Atlanta-Cleveland game in January. But not sufficient contact to decide the outcome of a playoff game.

Fouls, after all, are always relative.

Tic-Tac-Toe Award — Made to all those lightweight NBA fans, who believe that the Spurs are boring. Hopefully this award will enable them to differentiate between Xs and Os.

Brain-Dead-Gray-Matter Award — To Rasheed Wallace, for his shameful performances in Games 3 through 6 versus the Cavs. According to several widely respected neurologists, the gray spot atop Wallace's head is an indication that all the brain cells beneath it have been moribund for quite some time.

Paris Hilton Award — To Chris Duhon, for missing several team functions because he partied until the wee hours and over-slept. And then wondering why everybody thinks he's an airhead.

Tin-Man Award— To Dirk Nowitzki.

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